Urban consumption is an increasingly smelly business and one that leaves dried flowers and Haze air-freshener floundering in the Dark Ages. Modern life stinks There’s really no escaping it. Made a tentative stab at the acting game in The Krays with brother Gary a few years back and now, to cut a long story short, has lost his mind as Steve, the new baddie in uber soap EastEnders What a pro.. Post-Spandau Ballet, he has kept his head down for several embarrassed years, quietly burning his collection of ruffled shirts and playing happy families with Shirley and kids. She’s been round the world, ditched the singing career and has popped up from nowhere in a new film starring that fit bloke from The Full Monty It’s called Swing, and Lisa’s not ‘alf bad in it either Most amazing recovery, however, must go to Martin Kemp He’s played the reinvention game to perfection. A warm hand also to Gary Barlow, once blandest man in pop, now looking menacing and hurt in the Sun as he slags off Robbie Williams Grrrrr!Disappear for five yearsLisa who? Lisa Stansfield. “If you don’t like it, f— off!” says the latest Lord’s envoy.

Well done to Sinead O’Connor who, having publicly ripped up a picture of the Pope and railed against the Church for years, has grabbed a rogue bishop, a dog collar and – hail Mary! – has been ordained a priest. Yes Geri, pro-life does mean anti-abortion.Flick-flack your careerProve yourself both versatile and ironic by doing the opposite of what’s expected of you. Goodbye Spice Girls, hello United Nations! Geri, however, has managed to ruin the impact of her elegant makeover by not appreciating her own limitations. Now she’s a minister, Glenda will be delighted to have made an impact on one Geri Halliwell, who has followed her example. No sooner had Glenda decided that being an actress wasn’t much cop and set her heart on being a politician, than she kicked her Max Factor beauty box into touch with the dexterity of rugby international Neil Jenkins (now there’s a boy in need of a makeover). A big warm welcome to Gail Porter who has become a nipple-free zone, thanks to some imaginative computer work from FHM.Tone it downIf you want to make it big in time for the new millennium, take that lipstick off now and follow Glenda Jackson’s example. For those of you who can’t afford an A-list snapper, simply employ someone who can work Photoshop on the computer instead.

And of course, Marla herself, now sporting a chic bob.Hire a decent photographerAh, Sharleen! How you’ve changed! A fruitful meeting with one Juergen Teller, architect of edgy Jigsaw campaigns and endless grungy fashion shoots, and Texas’s lead singer has gone from androgynous sulker to sex kitten. No? What about The Honest Courtesan? But a decent haircut can work wonders Think Sharon Stone Anna Friel Natalie Imbruglia. British actress Catherine McCormack just couldn’t bear any more attention after playing Mel Gibson’s wife in Braveheart, and, fearing being typecast as “the gorgeous one with the long dark hair” in further Oscar-winning films, very cleverly chopped the whole lot off You probably saw her in The Land Girls last year. “He loves them!” squeals our heroine girlishly, as the lovers kiss and make up, oblivious to the gurgle of Pammy’s career going straight down the pan.Get a haircutThe trials of being a babe. she herself claimed that better roles were starting to come her way (the sort where you’re allowed to keep your clothes on) Enter one Tommy Lee, eyes fixed beadily on said B cups.